I’m very happy to feature a guest post by author Christine Fonseca, whose recent book Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students: Helping Kids Cope with Explosive Feelings was released October 1, 2010. Please see the end of the post for information about how to win a free copy from Christine, and check back here on October 15th for my review of the book. Now, without further ado, here is Christine!
What I’ve Learned from My Gifted Kids
Thanks Lisa for letting my crash your blog during my blog tour. I am really excited to be here.
Today, I want to talk about the things I’ve learned from parenting two gifted daughters. As some of you may know, I started writing in the field of gifted education because of my work as a school psychologist, working with families, educators and kids to support the social and emotional needs of children.
What I haven’t talked about very much is my own kids, and the things they have taught me about giftedness.
I am blessed to have two highly intelligent girls, ages 14 and 10. Although they are both gifted, as is typical with siblings, they show it in very unique ways.
My oldest is the epitome of a gifted introvert – cautious, hesitant, and reluctant to take risks. She was the one that refused to walk until she could do so without falling. My husband and I would catch her trying to stand and walk. Every time she saw us, she fell back to the floor, looking at us as if to say “what? I wasn’t doing anything.” She is highly intense in everything she does, and a perfectionist.
My youngest is my extrovert. She craves social attention, often monopolizing conversations and usurping the teacher’s attention in class. Equally as bright as my oldest, she hits you in the face with her intellect, earning her the nickname “scary smart”. She is a risk-taker, trying things gung-ho without any regard as to whether or not she can do it. I used to joke in my workshops about this fearlessness she shows, saying she was the type to jump into the water without thinking about whether or not she could swim…that is, until she actually jumped out of a kayak in the middle of the Pacific Ocean because she wanted to say “hi” to me (we were snorkeling and she had on a life vest). Yep, she is a risk taker. And, like her sister, she is intense in every aspect and another perfectionist.
These two have been a perfect laboratory for me, enabling me to test out every strategy I recommend in my book or give to parents. Through them I have learned some important lessons, like:
- You HAVE to teach your kids an emotional vocabulary. Really. It helps more than words can explain.
- Sometimes it is better to just walk away from the battle.
- Life really can come down to a hula hoop! Everything inside the hoop they can worry about, everything outside they must learn to let go. (Hint – they are they only one inside)
- The more work you put in when they are toddlers, the easier the tween years. The more you coach during the tween years, the easier adolescence is.
- Sometimes all they want is a hug – even when they are screaming at you.
- Remaining calm in the middle of an emotional firestorm is both rewarding and HARD.
- The strategies in EMOTIONAL INTENSITY all work….but they are not really as easy as they may sound.
- Persistence, patience, and unconditional high regard can pretty much solve anything.
- When in doubt, go for a swim! If for no other reason than to cool things down.
What lessons have you learned from your kids???
You can win a free copy of Christine’s book Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students simply by leaving a comment on this post between now and October 15th. I will announce the winner, to be chosen randomly, when I post my book review. Meanwhile, you can read the first chapter here, and order the book or an e-reader version. Learn more about Christine and her work by visiting her website, subscribing to her blog, and connecting with her on Facebook or Twitter.
[...] Medeia Sharif for a great interview or Lisa Rivero for some fun insight to my own intense kids. As always, there are more chances to win a Signed copy [...]
Lisa, thanks for having Christine on the blog. Christine, congrats on your book deal! This post made me laugh because the personalities of your two children sound almost exactly like my two. I had to put my now 3-yo daughter in swim lessons at age 2, because she had NO fear of jumping in the water whereas my 6-yo boy didn’t even want to go in the water until this year. He’s in 1st grade and has been in gifted classes since Kindergarten, and though he’s emotional at times, he’s a walk in the park compared to my daughter. I love your advice about teaching them emotion words at a young age–I’m hoping what I do now makes their teenage years easier, but my husband and I are already worried since my daughter seems to think she’s already an adolescent! Great post.
Lisa, I am happy to have discovered your blog via Christina’s tour. Great information here! And Christina, the stories you share about your own kids make me even more interested in reading your book. Congratulations on the launch!
Lisa,
I appreciate having some strategies to help with parenting intense kids. I do try to stay calm when emotions run high, but as you say it is hard, especially since I’m intense myself as well as my husband.
Enjoyed reading about Christine’s children and how different they are. There must be something to the birth order personalities since my two sons sound similar.
Sometimes I try to make a joke to distract which sometimes works. I am looking foward to reading Christine’s book and it would be great to win a copy.
I’m really looking forward to reading this book and I’d love to win a copy!
Wonderful to find this topic being discussed and I very much look forward to reading your book. I am employed as a coach in a primary school and the issues you raise here come up so regularly in my work. Very glad to have followed some random links and found you here via Twitter! Warmest regards, Tara.
Whew! A timely blog. I have 2 GT kids as well, girl 10 and boy 5. My boy is calm, laid back, and a perfectionist. The girl, oh the girl, intense in every way. It amazes me how rage and wailing girl can change during a 10 minute car ride to school and become polite and charming girl. We have been looking for answers, and thus stumbled upon this blog and now your guest post. I will be getting the book. We need help and strategies for our family to cope with her emotional rages, it’s affect ing us all.
Wow, so interesting. My older daughter sounds similar to yours. So intense! My second is not intense at all which is such a contrast!!! I like the lessons that you spell out for parenting intense kids. I could have used that 10+ years ago. But actually, some of it I figured out along the way by trial and error. Now, my intense daughter is a freshman in college and she is doing great!!! Having somewhere channel the intensity it the key.
Thanks, Christine. All your lessons are helpful, but the one I need most: remaining calm in the middle of an emotional firestorm … I’m so grateful to hear others have the same struggles.
You guys are great. And yes, I do deal with the exploson – before, during and after – in the book! Good luck to everyone! For those in the Southern CA area, I will be at the Borders in Brea, CA on Sunday 10/10 from 2 – 4 and Barnes and Noble in Oceanside, CA on Thursday, 10/14 from 4 – 7 – signing copies of the book. I hope to see some of you there!
Wow, I’ve never heard anyone describe my two daughter’s so perfectly, except, they are only 2 and 4. I’m am very interested in finding out the secrets in this book, because these toddler years are a hoot, but honestly, I’m a little nervous about what comes next.
Thank you both for sharing the space and the story!
Lisa, thanks for having Christine drop by. Christine, thanks for writing the book, and congratulations! I love the lessons. I’ll be recommending it to lots of parents at school–I know they’ll appreciate it. (I also know they need it–I teach their intense kids!) Let me know if you’ll be in the Seattle area.
As the mom of a couple of antique gifted kids, I remember wondering how I could have ended up with an intense duo who seemed to share very little (except a particularly wicked sense of humor, which we continue to rely on).
It was nice to read about your daughters here, Christine. My oldest is also an introvert – social, but she does like to regroup with some time alone. My middle daughter is very much an extrovert, drawing her energy from others and disliking “alone time”. But she is the extra-cautious one – seems she worries about things so much that it’s hard for her to take risks. And she is the ultra-intense one – the one that does not try to keep her explosions inside. My youngest is more like her oldest sister, though less social so far.
Really look forward to reading your book!
Great post, can’t wait to explore Christine’s site and blog, and read the book. This is very timely for us, with 4 intense children 5 and under. My 5yo and 2.5yo are classic intense extroverts. Emotional firestorm is a great descriptor! My 4yo is an introvert/dreamer, so we have fewer battles but once she’s in, she’s IN. And our 1yo is already clearly another extrovert, as we always know EXACTLY what he wants. Very interesting and timely info.
Thanks everyone for your comments. I hope the book is truly helpful to everyone.
This is a great post! My sons sound like the male counterparts to your daughters, Christine – the older one is quiet and a perfectionist and feels things very intensely but tends to bottle it up until there is such a buildup that he explodes, and the younger one is big and fearless in everything he does. From my older son, I have learned that calm patience is an essential part of my parenting toolkit; from my younger, I have learned that a sense of humor can also come in handy, and that real joy is actually not so hard to come by after all.
I look forward to reading your book!
I live in London England and was told about Christine’s book by a friend. Unfortunately I have been unable to get a copy. Understandably as it has not been out too long. My gifted and talented grandson epitomises Christine’s older daughter. I only hope I will be able to obtain a copy from Amazon in the near future.It’s good to know there is help and advice which my daughter and son in law desparately need.
Thank you (((all))) for such candid and interesting comments! Christine’s description of her daughters also brought back memories of when our son was young. If it offers any reassurance, he is now 19 and is attuned to how giftedness and intensity affect his emotions in a way I continue to admire. The intensity doesn’t go away, but by understand it at a young age, our children can learn to view their giftedness as a good thing rather than an enemy.
The winner of the book drawing is Robin. Congratulations!!
I will pass your name and email along to Christine. Everyone who commented here is also entered in Christine’s mega-giveaway. See today’s book review for details of how to increase your chances of winning: http://everydayintensity.com/2010/10/15/book-review/