Guest Post by Dr. Deborah Ruf
When I try to explain what I do, people often say, “So you work with gifted children?” Well, yes, but what I really do is work with the parents of gifted children, the gifted adults. Parents tend to prioritize their time and their money on their children rather than on themselves. Concerned parents bring their children to me for evaluation. It is during the consultation that I get my wish: I work with the gifted adults.
My work, including 20 years as a volunteer before I went “pro” in 1999, has always been about helping people to understand what gifted people are like and what their social and emotional needs are. But, mostly, I’ve just worked really hard to try to get more gifted adults to discover that they are gifted and how their entire lives have been affected by this reality.
I’m a mild introvert and I tend to be more of a Thinker than a Feeler (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator®). I haven’t always known this, of course, and earlier in my life I just felt sort of odd and “floaty,” never really all that connected to others. I’ve come to realize that I know what others are like far better than I’ve understood what I am like—that I am different to many others. It’s taken me a lifetime to see that. And my dissertation research has shown me that the common interpretation people like me have had is, “I’m different and it’s not a good thing.”
Helping Others to Understand Giftedness
When Lisa invited me to be a guest blogger, my first thoughts were to talk about my own experience with intensities. But then she encouraged me to talk about my newest “business” venture, TalentIgniter™, and our goals with this new site. I guess the two topics are actually one and the same.
TalentIgniter™ was an outgrowth of my first business, Educational Options, where I’ve served as a High Intelligence Specialist full time for more than 12 years. I wrote both my doctoral dissertation and my first book hoping to help more people understand what high intelligence is and what it looks like and how it affects people who are unusually smart.
As many people have learned while on their “gifted journey,” it often isn’t until they read about giftedness in order to learn how to help their own children that they discover that they, too, are probably gifted. As they learn more about this giftedness thing, they have little mini breakdowns and breakthroughs about their own lives, their own relationships, and their own feelings of being different or odd or out of place or floaty. “Wow! Maybe that explains it!” And, of course, most of these parents use what they now understand to support and guide their own children better than they themselves were supported or guided.
To aid in this understanding, the TalentIgniter™ site has launched the Ruf Estimates™ of Levels of Gifted Online Assessment. This is a very affordable way to get an estimate of your child’s IQ profile and level in the privacy of your own home simply by completing the form yourself. It’s based on the child’s interests and activities through age six. But the most important part—still difficult to get people to realize—is the interpretation and feedback that is tailored for their own child’s results. Even smart children, gifted children, are not a one-size-fits-all group.
The Gifted Journey of Self Discovery
So, back to me (Thanks, Lisa). One of the critiques I’ve heard of my work as a practitioner is that I don’t “do much” with 2e, or Twice Exceptional, children. I’ve been trying to do more, but it really has been quite recently that I’ve realized I would fit a number of the 2e descriptions myself. Just like the old folks would say, “No one ever did anything for me and I turned out fine.” I’ve seen so many of these issues as normal. And, in fact, many of them are normal and common among the gifted. But we need to help parents and teachers and the individuals themselves understand and accept these idiosyncrasies that are surprisingly common among the gifted, and allow behaviors or give support that make the exceptionality problematic.
What kind of exceptionalities? Well, most obviously, sensitivities and intensities. Apparently not every little girl teaches herself to knit in 4th grade so she has something to do while reading. Throughout my years in school, all the way through high school, I would sit on my bed to read assignments and hold the book open with my feet so my hands were free to knit while peering past the knitting to see the book. I didn’t try to knit in school until my Master’s degree program, and then one instructor was so offended that I wasn’t taking notes and was knitting that she publicly scolded me. So, I went back to my old childhood standby of doodling. Mostly horses and women’s faces. And geometric patterns. And I liked 3D type doodles to which I could add proper shading.
Then there’s the need to move and fidget. Always and forever. I can’t sit with my feet on the floor. I twist my legs up like a yoga position, but that’s not why I do it. It just feels more comfortable. My three adult sons all pace like mad and claim that’s why they won’t stay in touch via Skype. My brothers and my sons all got in trouble for being too active during their early school years. I was too active but usually—like many “good student” gifted girls—talked my way out of being in trouble.
And spatial reasoning. I am very high on that, so if you need to know how to spell something, don’t spell it the way you think first because I can visualize anything and it looks right. Not only am I a lousy speller (and still know I’m smart), I reverse the order of letters and numbers and have all my life. Apparently I am a mild dyslexic. Who knew? I learn much better by manipulating and working with my hands than by attending a lecture or reading a book chapter. I don’t like “project” projects that are over-managed, but I do like making and building things. I’ve learned ways to compensate, so I’ve assumed that compensating is not a big deal and others can do it. But maybe that all goes back to my Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® personality type, the ways I was treated during childhood and so on. I see nothing wrong with sharing techniques that work, and I’ve learned about a lot of the 2e issues from my clients.
Maybe my own experiences and idiosyncrasies are a reason why I’m able to be so very helpful to so many of my clients. I’m lucky that, when I say or do something wrong and need to apologize, relearn and move on, it doesn’t bother me. It’s a quirk I don’t mind having, and it makes it very easy for me to enjoy and appreciate the families with whom I work and interact.
Hey, you all seem fine to me!
I am very pleased to host this guest blog by my friend and colleague, Deborah Ruf, Ph.D. Dr. Ruf lives in Minneapolis where she is a private consultant and specialist in gifted assessment, test interpretation, and guidance for the gifted, and has served as National Gifted Children Program Coordinator for American Mensa from 2003 to 2008. She was awarded the Mensa Foundation’s Intellectual Benefits award in 2007 for her professional work in the field of intelligence. In 2008 she received Mensa’s National Service Award for contributing greatly to the growth and betterment of the organization. Having been a parent, teacher and administrator in elementary through graduate education, she writes and speaks about school issues and social and emotional adjustment of gifted children. Dr. Ruf maintains an overarching interest in educational policy, particularly how schools are set up to meet not only academic but also social and emotional needs of children, through grouping and instruction with true peers. Her book 5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options (2005) (formerly titled Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind) summarizes “levels of giftedness” and highlights highly to profoundly gifted children.
Love the article, Dr. Ruf.
I was lucky growing up. My brother, sister, and I were all gifted. We were trucked over to another school three days a week to participate in the SPACE program for our district (Special Program for Academic and Creative Excellence.) Our parents knew we were smart kids, and did everything in their power to support us, encourage us, and help us understand that they call it “gifted” for a reason.
Now, twenty or thirty-something years later, with my kids, I see the same struggles. The same slight awkwardness. The same assumption that all kids are the same as them, only to realize that no, they’re not. Luckily, being gifted has always been viewed as kind of a given in our family, so having my kids realize they’re a little different is okay. Our family is just special like that. That’s the beauty of being part of this quirky, not-so-conventional family. We don’t HAVE to be “normal.”
It’s also why our family motto is “we’ll do really well at the home.” lol.
Growing up, my siblings and I had some wonderful teachers who really understood us quirky, rather intense, gifted types. In fact, one gifted teacher in particular, has stayed in touch with our family since my brother & sister were in grade school. She even came to my brother’s funeral several years ago. Those special teachers, looking back now, made all the difference in the world.
So, from a gifted student & now the parent of gifted kids, let me just take a second to say thank you. The work that you and other dedicated teachers, coaches, administrators, and professionals do has a huge impact on the lives of the children you work with – probably more so than you’ll ever know.
Dear Sandi:
You wrote that you were lucky growing up because of your family, and because you were all identified as gifted and given some gifted support while you were children. My luck came later when my own children were gifted and I started to learn about them and their needs. Now as an adult, too, my two brothers are a great comfort and happiness for me because we can remember together what our childhood’s were like. I love looking back through my family, my relatives, too, and figuring out what their lives were like and how that helped to mold and shape them into the people they are today. My biggest frustration is that it is still hard to “get to” most of them to help them see what I now know. Baby steps, right? Thanks for writing, Sandi.
Sandi, your parents gave you and your siblings a rare gift of self-understanding and self-acceptance that truly lasts a lifetime, and I hope you know that your children are very lucky to have you for a mother (or, should I write, I hope your children know it?
)
Thanks so much for sharing your experience here and adding even more richness to Deborah’s post.
Warmest wishes,
Lisa
Thank you Dr. Ruf and Lisa for the blog post! So fascinating to read about Dr. Ruf’s personal memories about growing up gifted. Makes me wish I lived closer.
I never knew that I was gifted. My younger sister was identified in school, but I never was. It was only as I researched my own older son’s giftedness, that I realized that I exhibited some of the same characteristics. I always felt different, but I put it down to being shy and smart. I remember also as a kid that I couldn’t wear socks with a seam at the bottom of the toe.
I didn’t realize that the physical sensitivities could be explained by being a part of giftedness, until reading about the tags on clothes (which bother both of my sons).
Thank you again for sharing and I look forward to reading more posts on your blog, Lisa.
Thanks very much for your response, Monica. I’ve seen a lot of examples in families of one child being identified, and the other children assuming that must mean they are “not gifted,” as if it’s a binary operation, only to find out later that they are gifted, too, just in different ways or with different manifestations. It’s quite a revelation! Aren’t the newer shirts that have tag information printed on the inside of the fabric wonderful??
I’ll be hosting another guest blog coming up later this week, and then a book review, and after that I hope to get back into posting a couple of times a week. Your encouragement means a lot to me.
Hugs, Lisa
Dear Monica:
Thanks for writing, thanks for the kind words, and thanks for sharing some of your own experiences and thoughts! It is so nice that Lisa gave me this opportunity to be more personal in my writing. when I started my business of consulting a dozen years ago, it was quite an adjustment to learn how to be businesslike and professional because it was new to me. I’d been an educator and a parent but I’d never worked “in business.”
My school system didn’t identify for giftedness but it did “track” my junior high through high school. I knew I was smart but I didn’t know smart and gifted were related. So whenever I heard about gifted, I figured that because I didn’t know anyone who seemed all that much smarter than I was, gifted people must live in other towns. So, for both you and me, since no one in the schools ever identified us as gifted, we assumed we weren’t. There are loads of people who get overlooked because all too often the wrong criteria are used. I am so glad for you that you finally realized more about who you are. It makes so much easier to keep building on an ever-more-accurate self-concept.
BTW, I still cut tags out of my clothing, need to turn socks and stockings the “right” way so they don’t bother me, and easily get a headache when I’m around the wrong scents. Maybe I’ll meet some time in the future, Monica, because we do all travel, right? Hope so.
Dear Lisa and Deborah,
I do like the new printed on tags, Lisa. Just wish they did that for more clothing.
I find it so exciting that I’m corresponding with some powerful ladies in the gifted world.
You have both given me some interesting points about siblings and how one might not be identified. My older son who is 9 read at 2 1/2 and my younger 4 yr. old is just now learning his alphabet (but still doesn’t really have much interest in it). I still feel he is gifted, but it is hard not to compare the two boys. My younger son’s vocabulary is astonishing, his memory is remarkable, and he was taking things apart when he was 2 or younger. It is amazing how similar, but different they are. Anyway I am a bit concerned with my 4 year old starting Kindergarten next year. He is in the same preschool now as his older brother was in and I’m feeling a bit guilty since they are doing writing and he has expressed to me that he hates doing papers. I know they want to prepare them for kindergarten, but seriously shouldn’t it be more play based? If I had more money I suppose I could afford a Montesorri school or even homeschool him (I like having the three hour break though since I’m a stay at home mom). Sorry to have rambled on there. I really do appreciate your comments and it would truly be an honor to meet you both.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write.
What a wonderful post by guest blogger, Dr. Deborah Ruf. I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know Dr. Ruf who evaluated my oldest child in the fall of ’09. Without her, I would still be fumbling blindly, not trusting my own instincts, and not believing that I truly know my child best. She is truly an asset and Talent Igniter is a wonderful tool she has made available to the “masses”.
What Dr. Ruf says about the parents of her clients is so true – “As they learn more about this giftedness thing, they have little mini breakdowns and breakthroughs about their own lives, their own relationships, and their own feelings of being different or odd or out of place or floaty.” I, too, am undergoing a personal journey of self-discovery. I never understood why I sailed through school hardly opening a book and getting straight A’s until college, where I really, really struggled, didn’t know how to apply myself, and most certainly didn’t know how to study. Those people who had told me I was so smart my whole life obviously were wrong – or so I thought. I am devouring everything I can get my hands on in order to better understand my child AND myself. I want more for my children.
Once last thing I’d like to stress is that giftedness is a wide and varied spectrum. It is not one size fits all and it looks different for each and every person. With my own children, I am discovering how differently giftedness can manifest itself. That certain intensities are a part of who we are and need to be acccepted. It’s a wonderful, crazy journey.
Hello Comrades,
Should I study HTML before posting comments? This is sort of a first experience for me, and I’m not quite sure how to navigate the medium, please forgive any faux pas. I have to at, least, thank you for existing. And, by that you have my graditude. Much as barbed wire must be grateful to the staves and posts along the line. I shall return if this attempt is successful.
Sincerely,
Marji
No need to know html unless you feel like getting fancy. Your comment came through just fine!