Welcome to Day 23 of the July Intensity Project!
31 Days Toward Living with More Intensity & Creativity
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou
“Mentoring refers to a personal developmental relationship in which a more experienced person helps a less experienced person.” ~ Shirah Vollmer
As we resume the July Intensity Project, my mind is filled with stories, images, and emotions from the family gathering I attended last weekend. I especially relish the time spent with older relatives and friends whom I see far too seldom. As I talked to and soaked up the presence of aunts and uncles, distant cousins and neighboring families whose connection with my own family goes back, in some cases, nearly 100 years, I thought often of the important role of mentors and advisers in living an intense and meaningful life.
We often think of mentors as formal guides who teach us work-related skills. Kazimierz Dabrowski, however, wrote of the kind of mentor who guides us in personality rather than career development, and he used the term “adviser.” These are just a few of the qualities that Dabrowski outlined as desirable in an adviser:
- “be a ’rounded’ personality or a personality-in-the-making, with a high level of achievement”
- “realize sufficiently his shortcomings … in the development of his own personality”
- “fully understand the necessity for asking the cooperation of others”
- have good will, “without which the work of an adviser is unthinkable”
Dabrowski stressed the importance of parents, tutors, teachers, physicians and others being willing to be advisers for young people. This advisory capacity, however, is far different from overt teaching or helicopter parenting:
“The help of an adviser must be increasingly more imperceptible, ever more subtle, ever more ‘helpful,’ so as not to interfere finally, injudiciously, and too distinctly in the developmental process of an individual.” (Dabrowski, Personality-shaping through Positive Disintegration)
As I think back on the people in my life who have served and continue to serve as advisers or informal mentors, often subtly and even without their knowing they do so, I recall fondly teachers, relatives, co-workers, and friends… what Shirah Vollmer calls “mosaic mentoring.” Each one, in some way, helps me to grow just a little bit. Each one is, in some way, what I want to be, but am not yet there. Some advisers help me to parent better. Others live a life of integrity that I strive to imitate. And yet others are willing to say to me things that I do not want—but need—to hear.
- What has your experience been with mentors or advisers in the realm of personal growth, especially those who live with an unusual degree of intensity?
- Do you actively seek advisers, or do they “show up” when you need them?
- What qualities in an adviser are important to you?
- Have you ever served as an adviser or mentor for someone else?
Photo Credit: Franci Strümpfer
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Great post, Lisa! There’s a saying that goes something like, “When the student is ready; the master will appear” and I’ve had that happen repeatedly in different areas of my life–it’s almost spooky! I’ve served as a mentor/advisor to numerous interns when I headed a psychology internship program and in another job, had numerous employees working for me. I love mentoring others, but there’s something so satisfying to me in knowing that there’s still so much I don’t know. I’m happiest when I’m learning something new from someone who’s a master at it!
Thank you, Kristi! I’ve also had mentors and advisers show up just when I need them (it IS kind of spooky!), especially when I let myself be most open to learning. On the other hand, when I am defensive or stubborn, they keep their distance.
Lisa – I just wanted to stop by and say how wonderful this series is, this post included. I haven’t been able to follow along every day, but i plan to review all the posts when i have time. I hope that you will consider packaging these posts together and providing a quick link from your main page to make them easy to find so that they can be a continuing resource for people. Keep up the good work
PJ, what a generous comment! Thank you. I will definitely find a way to post a link to the series on the main page.
My husband and I are blessed with many bright brothers and sisters who have had a profound impact on our children. Because our kids know their aunts’ and uncles’ love is unconditional, any suggestions, comments or criticisms are deeply valued — much more than what we parents bring to the table! Dabrowski’s four points really bring this home.
Ah, aunts and uncles make the best mentors and advisers, don’t they? It’s only now as an adult that I realize how much I have been shaped by my parents’ siblings.
There is something very cool about being quoted next to Maya Angelou. Thanks.