Welcome to Day 18 of the July Intensity Project!
31 Days Toward Living with More Intensity & Creativity
If you haven’t yet already, be sure to watch the short Dan Pink video in which he poses two questions that he says will change your life. Yesterday we considered the first question: “What is your sentence?” Today I’d like to ask you to think about the second question: “Was I better today than yesterday?”
I have mixed feelings about the second sentence. On the one hand, especially as I grow older, I see the value in setting goals, making daily progress toward those goals, looking to the upper floors, as the photo to the right from our family’s recent visit to London’s British Museum suggests, rather than exploring only the space we are in.
On the other hand, I think of how easy it is for intense people—especially perfectionistic intense people—to make self-improvement an agonizing and impossible quest. From the recent blog post “Real Learning: Meet the Perfectionists” (a must-read for anyone who is or loves someone who is perfectionistic):
“The fear of failure can cause bright children to have high levels of anxiety, to severely criticize themselves, to be unable to tolerate mistakes, even to refuse to hand in work. If we can show them that learning is a process that by definition involves mistakes, they can begin to focus more on that process, rather than a perfect product.”
It’s one reason why I prefer Dabrowksi’s theory of personality development with its focus on continual growth and living with intensity, to many of the current pursuit of happiness programs.
Dabrowski proposed that we learn to observe ourselves from the outside, to discover our “true selves” and continually work toward realizing our best selves. He didn’t think we should shirk from the negative feelings that come from knowing we are not as good as we could be. And this is where Dan Pink’s question fits in: “Was I better today than yesterday?” need not be so much a matter of fixing something that is broken in us; it is moving closer to the person we are meant (and want) to be, the person already inside us.
The problem is that, for some people, this idea of improvement must be tempered with an acknowledgment of one’s progress and success. For example, Dabrowski suggests that one good practice for young people (and I would suggest for anyone working toward personal growth) is “keeping a diary with stress laid on the realization of one’s decisions and noting one’s achievements within a given sphere…” (Personality-shaping Through Positive Disintegration).
A decision and progress journal. I like that!
Anyone who is or was raised Catholic, as I was, knows about the idea of examination of conscience, the nightly search of one’s behaviors and thoughts to pinpoint areas of weakness. I would like to propose something different: An examination of progress. And, to this end, I want to tweak Dan Pink’s question, just a bit:
How was I better today than yesterday?
or, if that provokes some anxiety, this one may work better for you…
How was I my true self today?
Do this every night before you go to bed for a week, either on paper or in your mind. Force yourself to come up with at least three, even five or ten ways, big and small, that you were your true self today, from giving your full attention to a child instead of trying to read email at the same time, to doing those sit-ups you planned to do, from writing 250 words of your novel-in-progress to giving yourself 30 minutes of quiet time in the morning. The list will be different for everyone.
Just for today, acknowledge your personal progress that no one else sees. That, alone, will make today better than yesterday.
Related Posts:
- For Parents of Perfectionists
- The Perfect Month
- Perfectionism and Intensity
- Rowling’s Revisions
- Thin Envelopes of Opportunity
- A Serving of Imperfection
- Developing Character Muscles
- A Lesson on Managing Perfectionism from Armando Galarraga
Previous July Intensity Project Posts:
- Day One: List Your Best Qualities…
- Day Two: Wonderfully Weird?
- Day Three: Got Personality?
- Day Four: Celebrate Your Way
- Day Five: Torrance’s Creative Manifesto
- Day Six: A Spork Divergent Thinking Exercise
- Day Seven: The Euphoric Rush of Everyday Life
- Day Eight: Intellectual Intensity
- Day Nine: Psychomotor Readiness
- Day Ten: The Delight of Beautiful Things (Sensual Excitability)
- Day 11: Our Precious Imagination
- Day 12: The Key of Emotional Overexcitability
- Day 13: Gifted by any other name
- Day 14: The Gift of a Positive Word
- Day 15: Gifted And
- Day 16: Is Your Intensity Collapsed or Exaggerated?
- Day 17: Gaining Focus with a Sentence
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I love this. I have family in town this weekend and have barely been on the computer–spending time with loved ones is when I’m at my truest!
I’m also finding that time away from the computer is a great way to re-connect with my true self. So glad you had time with loved ones this weekend!
Thank you for this post. When my now 18 yo was in first grade, she missed one word out of her entire spelling book. It was on the very last test and she simply inverted two letters. But that was all it took to convince her she couldn’t spell no matter what I said. This post perfectly described her; if I’m not perfect, why try? She has grown more self-accepting over the years, but I’m passing this along as she enters college in the fall. (And applying it to myself!)
Michelle, your daughter’s story is so familiar and heartbreaking. Who would guess that one incident would have such an impact?
My son just finished his first year of college, and he is learning to handle his own perfectionism in ways that amaze and inspire me. We learn from each other.
Your website is beautifully designed, btw!
I love your take on this question. And the type A personality in me loves the markers of success, improvement, progress. But “better” can’t be measured. What does that even mean? There’s no context. I think today I am happier, more peaceful, more content…… but not richer, more accomplished, or in better shape. So what is better?
LOVING this project!
Cyndi, thanks so much for your encouraging words! I could have written your sentence that begins with “I think today I am…”
What a good perspective.
Thank you, Lisa! My husband designed the site.
I found myself applying this post several times yesterday. I’m feeling very encouraged already.