“[F]rom the age of 11 I felt left out, and never more so than when I was in school. I think that for most children in our society the experience of growing up is an experience of being left out, partly because of our worship of beauty, wealth, power, athletic skill, etc.
Being an outsider was somewhat tough on me during my growing up, and I think I would have been better off if I had felt, and been, somewhat less left out than I was. But it gave me the independence and moral courage I needed to do things in my adult life that most people weren’t doing, to follow work that seemed important.”
~ John Holt, author, educator, and editor of Growing Without Schooling (read entire article at Growing Without Schooling #15—scroll down to “LEFT OUT”)
I love serendipity! Just when I was thinking of ways to introduce the idea of how intensity and overexcitabilities can lead to being an outsider, to feeling permanently left out, Home Education Magazine posted the above excerpt yesterday as its Facebook status, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.
Did you feel left out as a child, an outsider, because you thought too much, cared too much, daydreamed too much, felt too much, were too much?
Do you see your children or children around you going through the same feelings and experiences? Does it make you ache for them, and does it dredge up old aches that you never really understood… until now?
The authors of Talented Teenagers: The Roots of Success and Failure remind us that being “talented means, by definition, to be different. There is no way to escape the implication of this fact. Most parents hope that their gifted children will grow up without problems and with many close friends, passing smoothly through adolescence into adulthood. But this very natural expectation is not very realistic.”
Being an outsider can be extremely painful. For highly intense children, their differences are often internal rather than external, so adults may not notice their feelings of isolation nor understand why they can’t just “fit in” and be team players. James Webb explains in “Dabrowski’s Theory and Existential Depression in Gifted Children and Adults” how existential questioning of life’s big mysteries—life, death, suffering, happiness—leads even very young children to begin to feel the distance between themselves and others:
“As early as first grade, some gifted children, particularly the more highly gifted ones, struggle with these types of existential issues and begin to feel estranged from their peers. When they try to share their existential thoughts and concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. The very fact of children raising such questions is a challenge to tradition and prompts others to withdraw from or reject them. The children soon discover that most other people do not share their concerns but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others’ expectations.”
As hard as it is to watch children learn to accept their differences, whatever those differences may be, we can think about ways that our own experience as being an outsider led us to be more compassionate, more focused, more creative, more independent, or more courageous. Or, if they instead led us to bitterness and despondency, we can ask ourselves what we can do now to begin to grow in a different direction, not just for ourselves, but to be good models for our children.
I know that I have my own childhood story of being an outsider to share at some point. What is yours? How does it affect who you are today?
Photo credit: Cris Matei
Lisa, what do you think about this part of the quote: “experience of being left out, partly because of our worship of beauty, wealth, power, athletic skill”? This seems to me as simplification. Do you think that it is natural for every one at some point, especially as a teenager, to feel this way? It is just part of growing up? Also, if we change “left out” to “different,” we will be able to find more positive sides of these emotions. Isn’t it OK to be different? Is it realistic to think that every one should fit in?
Just some thoughts.
Julia, it’s interesting that the first paragraph of the quotation from John Holt wasn’t part of the Home Education Magazine status, and I debated about whether to include it in this point. I agree, it changes the tone a bit and broadens the issue. I do think it is natural for most teenagers to feel left out or different at some point and that using “different” instead of “left out” may help us to think more constructively about our experiences (good suggestion). Constantly thinking of ourselves as being “left out” can lead to debilitating self pity in a way that “different” may not, at least not as readily.
I also think, however, that some intense children and teens feel this difference more keenly than others, just from my own conversations with friends, and that if they are told that it is normal teenage angst, they may think there is something wrong with them for not handling it better. Some people really do not remember feeling acutely different as opposed to the usual teenage awkwardness. It’s interesting, for example, to read autobiographies of children’s book authors, and to notice how many of them felt keenly different (and, yes, sometimes left out) in a way that gave them not only more time to think and write, but a lasting empathy for the similar experiences of other children. The Center for Gifted Education at the College of William and Mary has a wonderful autobiography unit for 5th and 6th graders that explores that issue: http://cfge.wm.edu/curr_language.htm
What do you think? These are great questions. Thank you!
Lisa,
What an interesting conversation!
That is exactly what I was trying to say: this emotion is very complex and can vary greatly. You think that you were a teenager yourself and will be able to understand what is going on with the teens, but it doesn’t happen always this way. Here is one example of how teens got me puzzled. I teach Russian Lit to gifted, intense teens, and it is a great pleasure to hear a variety of their opinions and deductions. Just recently, we discussed Chekhov’s story “The Man in a Case.” Belikov, one of Chekhov’s most famous characters, is afraid of life: he fears repercussions in his job as a teacher, fears burglars, fears any originality or creativity. I always start explaining about the time the story was written about – Russia under Alexander III, who succeeded his father, murdered by revolutionaries, and who was determined not to meet a similar fate. Many repressive measures were adopted by his government: some university departments were closed for free-thinking, the censorship was strengthened, school curricula impoverished. Chekhov chronicled the effects of these changes in his stories, including “The Man in a Case.” For me, Belikov is a person with a fixed response to life, and in his rigidity is incapable of change or growth. However, it is not how some students in my class understood this character. They skipped Belikov’s effect of the whole town where people were afraid of his disapproval and felt intimidated with the authority of his position. The students were concerned with Belikov’s inner life more, and they managed to identify with him. For them, Belikov is a person who tries to fit in and who tries to make others fit in, but who doesn’t succeed and stands out even more for it. I’ve never expected such an approach, and we had a long conversation about the story. I thought that they would have chosen to identify with the teacher who stands against Belikov, but that is not what happened. I do think that their reaction is connected to their feeling of being not able to fit the stereotypes. I wonder what you think.
Thanks for listening.
Julia
Julia, thank you so much for these thoughts! I am going to read “The Man in a Case” as soon as I return from my vacation, and I’d love to discuss this topic more. Your examples from literature and from your class discussions continue to inform and inspire me.