I was very happy to see a recent post on the Eide Neurolearning Blog that addresses the potential drawbacks of the widespread term “helicopter parents,” especially for gifted students with learning differences:
“We don’t mean to say it’s not important to have these older students advocate for themselves or make independent decisions – there are of course common sense distinctions about all this business, but our take-home point to you is that the over-the-top helicopter parent is more an exception than a rule, and the truth is that many of you good parents are really making a difference in your kids’ lives. Many twice-exceptional students are also developmentally late bloomers. College might be better suited to them in their early 20′s rather than right out of high school, but delaying college for years may be impractical. This also means too that the help may not necessary forever. Thankfully, a lot of life is not the same as freshman year at college.” ~ “Helicopter Parents Revisited – LD Students in College and Graduate School”
Our son is a college freshman. He’s not dyslexic, but he fits the description of a gifted and intense learner. Every once in awhile he calls to talk through issues of perfectionism or scheduling or even choosing roommates. We IM almost every day, if only to say a quick “hello” and “ciao!” He is going to college close to home, and occasionally he comes home for a Sunday after
noon, I suspect as much to get away from the hustle and bustle of dorm life as to have a home-cooked meal.
At first last fall, as we established these new habits communication, I heard the “helicopter parent” accusation in the back of my mind. However, when I tuned out imagined criticisms and focused on our family’s needs, I soon realized that this kind of support is not helicopter parenting. It’s just good parenting. I’m thankful that modern technology makes it easier.
The Eides’ words reassure me about what I wrote recently in a book about gifted teens:
“Terri Apter, in The Myth of Maturity, reminds us that disengaging is the opposite of what our adolescent children need at this time:
‘Young people need their parents to focus on them in a way that brings their souls to light. Parents mirror growing children. They express pleasure or anxiety about what they do. A sense of self develops, good or bad, quick or slow, strong or weak, in tandem with a parent’s responses. As children grow into teenagers and thresholders [young adults], they require a wide range of reflections that acknowledge the strangeness, the unexpectedness, the glamour of their growing self. However important friends and colleagues become, young adults still need from a parent the kind of eye-to-eye contact that says: “I see you, understand, and admire you.”’
“Apter’s eloquent words are a valuable counterweight to the idea of helicopter parenting.“Helicopter parent”is a pejorative term for parents….While it is true that some parents are susceptible to micromanaging their children’s decisions and lives (in Chapter 8, we will look specifically at how this temptation plays out in parents of gifted teens), the unfortunate consequence of the “helicopter parent” stigma is that some parents who have a normal and healthy level of involvement may worry inappropriately that they are over-involved.”
Again, from the Eides:
“So hooray for helping parents – and don’t get down about your help – and share these stories with your students.”
I couldn’t agree more.
I think that there is a line between over-protection and scaffolding – offering enough support and gradually removing the support as the child masters developmental tasks – all throughout the child's youth and adolescence. But, I think that line is pretty broad. Our society is too focused on complete independence as soon as possible. I think that it's on an individual basis. Some kids need more support, some kids need less. The child that really needs more will let you know, sometimes overtly, sometimes covertly. It's takes a keen eye and a willingness to stay close as well as let go, depending on the needs of the child.I know, from experience, when we worry about what others think of our parenting…we tend to second-guess our motives. Listen to your child, listen to your heart. And trust them both. You won't be lead wrong.
Great advice! Yes, the line is broad, and so much depends on the individual child (and entire family). Thank you.
Ugh…forgive the typo. Lead should be led.At any rate, that book The Myth of Maturity looks like something I'd like to read. I don't have teenagers yet, but I remember how alone I was in choosing a college, my college major, and my ultimate career path. I desperately wished I could have discussed my hopes, dreams and concerns with my parents, or at least my mother. Things turned out all right despite this lack of support. But it wasn't smooth by any means and I almost dropped out of college at one point, that's how frustrated I was by the lack of appropriate support. Knowing what it's like being micromanaged in some areas, and neglected in others, and how it can affect individuation of the self…and how it can affect future generations if one grows up to have children, this is something I've given considerable thought to as I raise my daughters.My middle child, who overcame selective mutism, was an early test of my ability to experiment with an ideal level of support – too much support and she might not have a reason to stretch her comfort zone, too little support and her anxiety would have consumed her. It was by trial and error that I found the ideal amount for her.I wished I had known then what I came to learn in the past 6 months or so. I would have avoided some mistakes. I wrote a post about Preserving the True Self of the Gifted Child:http://raisingsmartgirls.wordpress.com/2010/02/22/preserving-the-true-self-of-the-gifted-child/The concept of mirroring is echoed in the article I discussed on that post. That is indeed how we find out who we are. This is something I have come to really understand, both intellectually and emotionally, of the necessity of this continued support. I don't believe there is an age where this need suddenly ends. There are times, when I, at almost 40 years old, still wish I could turn to my mother in times of need, particularly if it involves my concerns about my own children's development while trying to continue my own growth and development. Sometimes I can, but most times, I can not. It is really difficult to accept that.Now, in kindergarten, my daughter is thriving and most overt forms of support have been removed because she doesn't need them any more. But, I'm always willing to stay close if she needs the reassurance. I imagine, as highly sensitive as she is, adolescence and her college years might prove to be just as critical for her…because that's when lots of internal changes and growth take place.Thanks for your post!Casey
I think it makes a big difference, too, as to whether or not the child comes to you, or you go to the child (or even around the child) . If your son is coming home just to escape the pressures and chaos of dorm life, then I don’t think you are over-parenting. We all need somewhere “safe” to go where we can just decompress and be ourselves. God bless you for providing that place for your son!
Thanks so much for this warm comment! This year, as a sophomore, our son is “checking in” much less often, so I’m glad he felt free to lean on us when he needed to.
Hugs,
Lisa
P.S. I was able to fix the italics.