How do you talk to yourself? What words do you use? What tone? When you make a mistake, are you compassionate and patient with yourself, as you would be with a dear friend? Or are you harsh or even cruel, perhaps in ways that you would never speak out loud to anyone else? When you fall short of meeting a goal or are struggling to change in some way, is your self-talk encouraging? Are you your own best cheerleader? Or is it self-sabotaging? Do your words to yourself undermine your own efforts and intentions?
Simply noticing the chatter in our heads, especially the chatter directed toward ourselves, is an important change we can make on a daily basis to improve our everyday experience. Noticing the negativity sometimes all by itself lessens its effect.
In “7 Ways To Leave Negative Self-Talk Behind,” Margaret Moore writes that simply keeping track of our thoughts is the first step. When we notice that we are being unkind to ourselves, unsupportive, or unloving, we can then think, simply, stop. The long-term goal is to begin talking to ourselves more positively, but just noticing and stopping can do wonders at first. I wish I’d remembered this when I began to sabotage my good feelings this week. No, Lisa, stop. Breathe. I’m glad I remembered to notice my self-talk and how it has been affecting my mood. That’s better.
If you aren’t sure what to listen for in your self-talk or what kinds of self-talk can be harmful, Moore lists four kinds of negative inner chatter:
- Self-Limiting Talk
- Jumping to Conclusions
- Habits of Speech
- Others’ Thoughts Becoming Our Own
I know that I’ve used all of these. Self-limiting talk “puts us in our place” and refuses to recognize potential for growth and success. Jumping to conclusions causes us to make unfounded inferences or imagine futures that may never occur. Habits of speech are simply automatic scripts we replay over and over without thinking. And we allow other people’s thoughts to become our own when we take the negative or hurtful or unthinking words from family or friends, regardless of whether they were said out of jealousy or some other motive, or whether they are untrue, and repeat them back to ourselves.
“So what do our inner critics say? Here’s a glimpse at what participants in my Self-Promotion for Introverts® workshops have shared during an exercise in class. They each write an example of their negative self-talk messages on an index card. I shuffle the deck and read each message out loud: “I’m not where I should be for my age,” says one. “I’ll never make decent money doing anything I like,” says another. And “my biggest accomplishments were all flukes,” says yet another.
Nancy Ancowitz in “An Introvert’s Inner Critic” relates the above advice specifically to introverts, and even more specifically to the effect that self-talk has on introverts’ careers:
“This from successful entrepreneurs, media executives, Harvard educated lawyers, computer whizzes, and investment bankers at the New York University School of Continuing and Professional Studies. Your own inner critic’s nattering can put a drag on your ability to walk the walk, talk the talk, and pitch the pitch to the powers that be.”
Parents can help children and teens to be aware of their self-talk as well. When a child is having a bad day, we can ask gentle questions to encourage the child to be aware of what thoughts led to the current mood. Or we can find times to share how our own self-talk affects how we feel. Our children may be relieved to know that inner chatter is normal, and that they aren’t the only ones who struggle to manage it.
I also just found this delightful blog post about self-talk that I know many of us can relate to: The Not Good Enoughs.
Take a moment right now to listen to your self-talk. What are you saying to yourself?
