I don’t like phones. I didn’t get a cell phone for the longest time and was happy to pass it along to our son when he was ready for one. When I did get another of my own, it took me literally months to remember the number, and I turn it on only when I have to.
I used to think that one reason I don’t like phone calls is that, when I was growing up, calls from our farm (30 miles from town) were long distance to any of my friends, so I never got in the habit of chatting on the phone while lying on my bed with my feet in the air, twirling my hair. However, my brother, who also suffered from the same challenge of long distance phone charges as a child, is now joined at the hip with his state-of-the-art, too-many-features-to-list cell phone.
I have noticed over the years that many my friends and family members who are more introverted than extroverted also tend to avoid telephones, regardless of where they grew up. Sophia Dembling in her blog “The Introvert’s Corner” puts it bluntly: “I hate the phone. Hate it. Hate. It.”
My extroverted friends definitely don’t understand. I can hear it in their voice when, on the rare chance I do pick up the phone, they say, “Oh! I didn’t expect to get you in person.” Accusatory pause.
Lee Ann Lambert, a self-described “introvert activist” and author of the blog “Living Introverted,” asks:
“Is [intensity] what drives extroverts crazy about us? I would have to say it’s possible. Not because intensity is something we have the market cornered on, but it’s a different kind of intensity that is focused inward, where they (others) can’t go with us or see what we’re doing. Extroverts can be intense too, but for them it’s different – usually their intensity is regurgitated all over the people around them – it’s outward.” “What Is It About Introverts That Bothers Extroverts?”
Yes, intensity does seem to have something to do with it. Not that extroverts can’t be very intense, but, as Lambert suggests, their comfort level with intensity is different.
“Oddly, I find that playing simple computer games, such as Tetris or Freecell, while I talk can help; they engage the restless part of my mind so the remainder can focus. I also use a headset because holding a phone to my ear makes me feel even more trapped. That way I can do simple chores, such as sweeping or loading the dishwasher, while I talk. Again, this keeps my wandering mind engaged enough to stay on telephone task.”
Is it that doing something else keeps us focused on the voice on the other end of the line or that it distracts us a bit from feeling trapped by the intensity of conversation? Whatever the reason, it’s true that if I’m doing something else, even pacing, while on the phone, I enjoy the experience a little more, or at least I dislike it a little less.
Another tip to manage phone avoidance is to lump all the calls you have to make together and schedule them for a specific time, then line them up and tackle them one after another. No excuses. No procrastinating. Like ripping off a bandage. You’ll feel so productive afterward!
i'm an introvert stuck in an extroverted world as well, i totally understand what you mean… and the multitasking was a great idea, i kinda figure out how it fits in… we introverts "think to much" , as what extroverts would label us as for bein uncool… its an advantage to us, bein able to see reality in 3d as opposed to them… but when it comes to socializing, especially with extroverts, it's hard to keep to the state which their in, we go into deeper meanings, which often make them think we're talking wierd and thus making us having the tendancy to avoid uncomfortable situations like talking on the phone… i have too much to say now, and its hard to express, but being only 20 i have much more to learn…
It's wonderful that you are thinking about these issues at age 20! I didn't start realizing how much being an introvert affected my life until much later, when a lot of years of misunderstanding had already passed. Something else to keep in mind is that gifted people might be more likely to be introverted. You might enjoy reading The Gifted Introvert. Best wishes to you.
‘My extroverted friends definitely don’t understand. I can hear it in their voice when, on the rare chance I do pick up the phone, they say, “Oh! I didn’t expect to get you in person.” Accusatory pause.”
Same here!!! It is usually followed by, “I guess I should have sent you an email.” (Now they’re starting to get it!). Great article. I’m looking forward to reading your web site as I love writing.
I completely relate! Email is truly a godsend. At the same time, I’ve been trying to push past my comfort zone a bit and using the phone a bit more. It’s definitely a work in progress.
I’m so glad you stopped by and am looking forward to getting to know you better. Always happy to connect with a fellow writer.
Ha! What phone?
I had a cell phone once but after too many extroverted Dad phone calls it evaporated and went somewhere else. Basically, I lost it. Really.
Here is more good news.
Right now the house phone is not working – must be the wind and snow and stuff like that shutting it off. Mother Nature is cool.
My teenage daughter avoids the phone too. And while introversion is, I’m sure, a large part of why she doesn’t like talking on the phone, I think another factor may be perfectionism. She really doesn’t want to say anything wrong. I think it’s part of why she likes acting too. She’s got a script, so, nothing can go wrong. Writing too, now that I think of it. All the dialogue can be carefully controlled and if her characters say the wrong thing, she can edit it later. :*)
So, when does phone avoidance look like normal-for-introverts behaviour, and when does it cross the line into unhealthy levels of anxiety? In our house, it was fairly obvious. When the thought of answering the phone or making a call (to a carefully controlled recipient) devolved into tears and “I don’t like to.” became “I can’t.” we started working on overcoming that obstacle.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts on the subject. I’m happy to have found your blogs. I heard you speak several years ago at the WPA Homeschooling conference. Your insight help me understand my kids better, and, in turn help me be a better mom. So, thanks again.
Elyse