Allow your children to see the planning, process, and hard work that go into meeting goals. Because many gifted children can easily see in their mind’s eye the perfect result, they might assume that such results should come easily or quickly, especially if they are not used to working hard to achieve. Using my friend’s kitchen remodeling project as an example, she has kept a binder to record all of the work she has done in terms of comparison shopping for appliances, interviewing contractors, and dealing with city codes. She is probably unaware that her daughters are soaking in what it’s like to have an idea, plan for it carefully, and see it through to completion, but she is nonetheless giving them valuable instruction on how to manage one’s drive for excellence in ways that are both productive and enjoyable.
Realize that perfectionism can hide itself in a cloak of apathy. If we have an urge to make things perfect but are terrified of the thought of not reaching our goals, one way to remain in control is to convince others or even ourselves that we don’t care. Thus, a perfectionistic writer can be a writer who erases to the point of tearing through the paper, or he can be the non-writer who realizes that by refusing to write, he doesn’t have to deal with his drive to perfect and simultaneous, inevitable imperfection. Perfectionism has more to do with what is going on in our heads than whether the results look perfect.
Avoid praising children for being smart or for results that come naturally or easily to them. Psychologist Carol Dweck, in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, argues that when we praise children for being smart or gifted, we send the message–regardless of our intentions–that remaining “smart” is the most important thing, even more important than effort or valuable intellectual risk-taking that might lead to less than perfect results. Instead, we can focus on the time and effort our children put into their tasks, and we can let them know that they can continue to learn, grow, and improve throughout their lives.
Let your children know that wanting things to be “just so” is not a bad thing. Especially if parents have not embraced their own desire for perfection, they may be scared by this strong drive in their children, and mistake a healthy desire for excellence with an unhealthy perfectionism. In truth, the drive to excel can be scary and intense at times, but it’s part of who our children are. If they feel good about this part of themselves, they will be in a better position to use it to their benefit rather than allow it to control them.
Be careful not to turn parenting or homeschooling into an exercise of unhealthy perfectionism. For adults who are intense, bright, creative, and driven—and perhaps especially when we have seen our children suffer in painful, less than perfect circumstances—we can be tempted set the goal for ourselves of being the perfect parent or having the perfect family, perhaps undoing all of the mistakes we remember our own parents making. Or we might exhaust our energy and wear out our nerves in an effort to create the perfect educational experience for our children, wanting them to thrive in ways that have previously been unavailable to them or that we, ourselves, were denied. The problem is that the ideal of perfection when it comes to families or homeschooling is a myth, and one that can get in the way of seeing the needs of the people in front of us, not to mention our own needs. It is healthier and more productive to think in terms of finding “a good fit”—perhaps one of many possible good fits—for who we are now and what we need today. Then we can learn from today, make adjustments for tomorrow, and approach a new day and its new challenges all over again.
Finally, let your children see you make mistakes, then show them how to deal with mistakes in healthy, even graceful ways. I’ve saved this suggestion for the end, because it can be the most difficult for parents. We often believe we should hide our mistakes from our children as much as we can, because we want to set a good example. Or our children see us react in frustration or self-deprecation to even small mistakes, such as burning dinner. Instead, let your child see you print out a draft of a letter to proofread, then cross out and revise words (even if you would rather do this work invisibly on your computer). Let her see you laugh at yourself instead of being defensive when you misstate the facts. And when the casserole burns, use it as an opportunity to have pancakes and strawberries for supper. Not only will you give your child a valuable model of dealing with imperfection, you will take an important step toward facing and embracing your own desire for wanting things to be “just so.”
How do you address perfectionism in yourself or your children? What works for you?
