The Perfect Month

February is the perfect month. Twenty-eight days quarter perfectly into four weeks. In 2010, we have the added perfection of the month’s starting on a Monday and ending on a Sunday, just in time for the next month to begin perfectly again Monday morning. Valentine’s Day neatly marks the end of the first half. While the other months follow hard to remember “days hath” rules, we can count on February’s consistency. Well, except for the pesky quadrennial extra day. In every other respect, though, February is a perfectionist’s dream.

Are you a perfectionist? Is your child? What does it mean to be perfectionistic? Can perfectionism be “cured”?

I can’t remember giving a talk to parents about homeschooling their gifted children when perfectionism did not come up in the question and answer period. I usually answer those questions by posing another question: How many of you deal with perfectionistic children? Then, after enough time for everyone to see what good company they are in, I ask this: How many of you are perfectionists yourselves? Again, the hands go up, a bit more slowly this time, but usually in greater numbers and amid nervous laughter.

What do we mean by perfectionism? Mary Elaine Jacobsen, author of The Gifted Adult, talks of the “urge to perfect” that causes gifted individuals to want things to be “just so.” Jacobsen writes that the urge to perfect is simply hard-wired in some children: they can’t help it. They don’t outgrow it. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing when they remain in control, when they are able to know when something is “perfect enough,” and when they appreciate shades of grey and learn skills of making tough choices.

Unhealthy perfectionism, on the other hand, propels us to one of two extremes: Either we can never say “this is good enough,” taking little joy in our work and pursuit of perfection, or, since we can never win the perfectionism game, we bow out altogether, hiding or denying our gifts for the sake of safety, procrastinating so as never to know what we are truly capable of accomplishing.

Recently I’ve thought about this difference as I have watched a friend remodel her kitchen, a process that has taken several months of planning, patience with setbacks, and continual modifications and adjustments. Without her sense of perfection and her excellent eye for detail, she may have given up on many of her original ideas long ago, or settled for less than what she wanted simply for the sake of ease or expediency (or an extra hour of sleep). The result, however, is both beautiful and perfectly suited to her family’s needs and tastes.

If, on the other hand, she had instead fallen into unhealthy perfectionism, she might have experienced what psychologist Barry Schwartz describes as the “paradox of choice,” a paralysis that can occur when we are faced with so many choices that we literally cannot make up our minds for fear of making a less than perfect choice. She might have spent not months but years looking in vain for the non-existent “perfect” appliance or flawless piece of granite, or she might have been overwhelmed by the thought of having to compromise. Then, not only would she not have enjoyed the experience as much as she did, but her kitchen would be far less beautiful and less functional.

We can see similar distinctions in our children. A child might show a desire for perfection when she insists on repainting a ceramic pot, even if everyone else says it is pretty, because she knows she wants something better. If she goes through with her plan and produces something she is happy with, her urge to perfect serves her well and should be supported. However, if she repaints the pot again and again and again, or smashes it in frustration, or if she wads up draft after draft of a poem while saying she is stupid, then unhealthy perfectionism is rearing its head. (Parents can also remember that, sometimes, extreme cases of unhealthy perfectionism such as obsessive-compulsive disorder or eating disorders are best addressed by medical professionals.)

Tomorrow: Ways we can support a drive to excellence and deal with painful perfectionism, both in ourselves and in our children.